The Golden Rays...

In all the crazy, testing times... it's these golden rays that help me sail through. This is the sight that soothes me down and helps me move forward.

So here I am, seeking all the strength I can, from the one above. Would you shower your golden rays on me...

Closure

As humans, it's our tendency to look for some closure wherever we could not understand the "The End". We keep pondering, keep searching, keep looking for "what ifs" and "whys". Well I also have chapter like that. It had been on the back of my mind somewhere, creeping up at times in the past year and half.

I could never make sense of why it happened since I never understood the end and kept thinking will it ever. While what I got to know out of a sudden, does not make it any clearer but it does break away the haze laden window that I had been looking out of.

Someone sauntered in like a breeze, turned everything topsy turvy and vanished with the same speed. I kept asking why and there was always a silence that I heard as a response.

Last week I came across a revealation that sort of shook me but helped wipe away the haze from the window. Whatever I could search about the revealation, made everything even more confusing but helped me ease out the storm that was held up for so long.

While I was looking out for closure for so long that I forgot a saying - "Don't look for closure every time. It might not be there".  While the farce came to fore, the "Why" still remains a question and I don't want to look for it. I will not look for yet another closure as there might be none...

Let the door stay locked and chained, coz I ain't opening it...

Slipping Away...

As the season change and the winds go stronger, I see the sand slipping away. The beach is vast and it's mine for as far as I can see. Yet, the winds of change have surprised me. They blow away the sand to a far distant land....a land beyond mine and it feels like there is nothing I can do to hold back the sand.

Everyday when I take a walk at the beach, I see some part of it fading away...far away from me. How am I dealing with it? Well I don't know.

I guess, with every walk, I add in a prayer that what's mine, stays mine. I also ponder, does it want to stay mine or has no qualms walking away to a distant, greener land. At times, I fight to withold what's slipping away but it does not seem to have an effect that I am hoping for.

I don't know how things would pan out finally, but for now I think I'm trying my best - to fight or to accept, maybe running away or let it run over me.

It seems it is just the right time to take a break away from the chaos...may be more of running away from it or assimiliating what's happening.

So very soon am embarking on this wanderlust. A sort of getaway from reality. And the days of wanderlust would also feature here. Hoping for all of this to settle down itself and in a way that I don't see my beach fading away...or the sand slipping away...

Amen....

Mesmerized...

With each breath, the chest rose and fell...

The hand splayed over it could feel the sway...

The silhouette of the pouty lips was too enticing to ignore...

With each touch of fingertips that massaged the brows...

A faint sigh echoed...

Could feel each stress knot detangle...

Could feel the caress that came back as the rejoinder...

With each strand of hair that I stroked...

Could sense the anxiety melt away...

As I sat aside & glanced back...

All I could feel was...mesmerized...



The Lights Of Hope...

Two more days to go and September would also end. This year has been a roller coaster ride for me for sure. September was no less. Quite a few unexpected things happened to my family & me. Loss of precious assets, wear & tear of several favorite accessories all in one go, a minor accident, illness of a family member to nane a few.

Especially after the last two, I kept thinking what else could go wrong? But over the weekend that is just passing by, I also realized that wherever I went, I saw these beautiful lights around me and these made me smile for sure.

I thought that while the going was not good, it wasn't all that bad either. September even had some memorable moments for me. I got to meet my hotelier friends after ages....got the news that a dear friend of mine would be changing jobs for good... woke up each day to the smiles & antics of my darling niece...got lovely gifts on daughter's day and gave family members a nice surprise too...the guy whose employee banged my car took care of the repair expenses etc etc.

When i reminisced, I realized that the incidents of this month symbolized the festival lights. On the darkest of the days, these lights represent hope, happiness and brightness in our lives. September showed me that facet. For everything that went wrong, something also became right or got corrected.

As I drove back yesterday night, I kept looking at these lights & felt hopeful. All's well that ends well. As the month culminates & the new one is just round the corner, I can sense the change in the air, the mood of the people around & myself too.

The lights of hope are ready to welcome the festival season. The joy is just round the corner and it can't wait to engulf us in its intoxicating exuberance.

May all of you be touched by these lights of hope and have a great year ahead.

Bless you all...

Shaken & Stirred...

For those of you who might be thinking that this post is about Martini...it's not.

Well this is about how a supposedly uneventful day of mine got a jolt and took a turn I had not foreseen. Life had been going on at a pace that had somewhat become mundane. And thus thought the one above… lets undo the status quo.

 Well I won’t get into the theatrics of what happened. In simple words…I got banged and I got banged hard. Actually, it was my car that got banged & that too by a dumper.

The angry piece of machine came charging at my car & despite my attempt to swerve away, the collision happened. As it rammed through the fender & the bumper, the crackling sound made me skip many heartbeats.

The dumper was so close to me that the door could not be opened & for few minutes the car got tangled with the mean machine. It took a lot of maneuvering to detangle. I almost thought that this is it and I would go away like the bumper did.

But in all of this chaos, I was fine. Safe, unhurt… I was fine.

What ensued for next few minutes was the crazy public gathering to see what was happening, cops intervening, a howling dumper driver jumping on my head & me trying to understand what just happened.

The owner of the dumper reached in some time and without any questioning, offered to pay for the damages. He sent across one of his employees along with my car for repair as well. His employee paid for the damages not getting covered through insurance, then & there.

Finally, the madness came to an end. Am happy to come out of all of this unscathed, but how do I really feel?

Shaken & stirred…

As You Turn 8...

A little birdie told me that you crossed the 8 months mark, 2 days back. So here is this write up just for you, though a little late but by chance & not by choice.

It still feels like yesterday that you suddenly sauntered into our lives and brightened the wintry mornings. And life has changed for good. Everyone whose lives you have touched can't stop thinking about you and that thought brings a smile to their faces.

You look around with your chirpy glee and everyone comes running to you, smitten by your charm. For us, the day begins with you and we don't want it to end lest you will grow up by a day.

Has anyone told you that you are magical?

You've brought life to your grandma's aging & ailing knees. You made the workaholic in me to stop thinking about work all the time. Your ma only has eyes for you. Last but not the least, your dada is crazily crazy & protective about you. I mean he is not letting me get your ears pierced...that's so unfair.

Neverthless, none of us are complaining coz we all are busy soaking in your charm every minute of the day. As you experience your many firsts, you are weaving beautiful memories for us...

How can we forget the first date with lemon or the coconut or your favorite "Mitthi - the homeopathic meds for teething" or the chicken leg piece & the list goes on.

It will take you a little more time to be able to read what has been written about you but whenever you get to see this, you should know that you are truly loved by all of us my dear. You make each of our days which are usually filled with chores and never ending madness. It's you who brings us the much needed sanctity. It's your erstwhile toothless smile & the current two teeth chuckle that makes our world a better place. It's you who makes me run back home from work hoping I might be lucky and you would be awake at 2 or 3 in the morning. And guess what.... I do get lucky at times. Nothing can match the sleepy smiles that you give when the angels are playing with you in your sleep.

I can go on & on and still I won't be short of words to describe how you have changed our lives. So all I will do is shut up.

Our dear, darling Pinka, Pinku, Mana Singh, Cheeky, Kittyparoo, Samaira, Kaddu, Nona .....here's wishing you a happy 8th month. My darling button, may God shower you with all the happiness that we can ever think of.

Signing off with loads of cuddles n tickles...See you in a few hours...

And Then I Went To Dolanji Bon Monastery...

Well once in a while, the workaholic in me decides to take a back seat and the free soul sets out to explore the unseen. I realized that it had been a year & I had not taken a break away from the daily grind. Thus, I looked for the most opportune time and set out to the mountains.

I did a bit of research and got to know that there is a Bon Monastery in Solan. Well the web only had dated information about this Monastery but it was enough to pique my interest. The visit became one of the items in my itinerary.

An Innova was hired for the day and the driver shared that the drive to Dolanji is around ninety minutes or so. And then I set out. A little excited, a little nervous about this little adventure; I was looking forward to my rendezvous. This was the first time I would have visited a Monastery.

The drive was beautiful, the weather was lovely, the rain drops kept up their pitter patter throughout the drive. Luckily the driver had an aux wire as well and thus my favourite tunes played and made the journey even more memorable.

A few kilometers before the Monastery, we crossed a bus stand and saw a monk waiting for the next bus. The driver asked him to join us as he would have helped us get to the destination. He was an old monk & I took a liking for him instantly. When we reached the last stretch of our journey, the road was more of a rubble and I realised how difficult it must be for these people to travel on a daily basis.

The monk was kind enough & agreed to show me around the Monastery. A short uphill walk brought us to the quaint little Monastery. There were classes going on & so we had to wait for some time for the prayer room to get opened. During this time, quite a few monks passed us and they exchanged few words in their language. I knew for sure that they spoke about me, actually enquired about me and all I did was smile. The old monk did all the talking on my behalf.

And then came the time to visit the main prayer hall. I had never seen anything so beautiful. The books, the idols, the gong and so much more. They lit the incense sticks in front of the Goddess' idol. The monk said.."go ahead & pray for whatever you seek".  And I did....folded my hands, closed my eyes and bowed before the Goddess. Well if it comes out to be true, then I would definitely share it here as well but only time will tell...

Since I had taken up so much of the Monk's time, I offered him my gratitude and said that I would be leaving now. He then said something that not only surprised me but also made me very happy. He said-

"You've come so far...don't you want to see the rest of the Monastery?"

My joy had no bounds and I said "Yes ofcourse I would like to see all that is there!"

He then took me around the library which has been maintained very well, explained to me about the various scriptures and books kept at the library and also showed me the seat where His Highness "The Dalai Lama" sat when he came to inaugurate the library few years back.

We walked around a bit, saw the classrooms, and other sections of the Monastery. I thanked the Monk for his generosity and decided to walk back to the car. As I walked by, I looked back to the time spent at this beautiful place...set amongst the clouds, peaceful. serene and soulful.

When I had reached there, I had the restlessness of a city soul who had been travelling for a long time without rest. But when I was going back, I had a sense of peace within me. I felt rested, calm and happy.

This visit will always be engrained in my thoughts as one of the memorable journeys I have ever undertaken. Needless to say that the drive back felt even more beautiful as we cut through the rain drops and sped towards Kasauli...

Wanna go back again....and again.....

Beating Away To Silence...

The outlier goat & I had a chat. I thought I would feel better and I did for a while. But I'm back to square one once again.

Don't know if I was happy to see that a response came after a week or sad that it took a week for the outlier to respond. It felt as good as not getting a response probably.

I don’t know whether the discussion that took place would culminate into something meaningful or not but all I want is a closure. I think I somehow managed to share across my anxieties but have they been understood is the real question. And would the goat do something about putting them to rest is what I will have to wait & look out for.

By the look of things, all I can say is that I think I’m sinking. The beat is becoming weak and seems like the line will go silent very soon. I thought that this would be different but it’s the same story getting retold with some changes.

Gosh!! Will this ever stop? If yes then when? Will the goat look out for the other goat? Want know before the beat wears out…

How You Keep Her...

Will keep it short & simple. Not that any creative juices are flowing or nerves are tinkling enogh to write this. On the contrary, it's the jangling nerves, a throbbing heartbeat & the greyness of a thought that has been eating me up for a while - the culprits.

What I'm going to write in next few lines is not a part of my creativity but it seems that someone has penned the state of my mind beautifully. Read this on FB Mindporn page and so I quote -

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her...

The Outlier...

Well there is an outlier out there. Just like the word, way beyond those I came across these past years. Now the beauty of an outlier is that it can be on the either side.

What do I want? I want to know which side is this outlier on? If it's the right side then nothing can be better than that. But if it's on the wrong side, I do want to know one more thing...

Will the outlier sway?

I'm dying to find out the nomenclature of this outlier and thus the fact as to what does fate entails for me.

I think all I can do is wait and watch for a while....actually no... I've waited for quite some time ...If I can muster the courage, I will test it out and get to know....the question is....if only I can...

Singin In The Rain...

As I was slowly slipping into my daily slumber, I was suddenly awashed  by the sudden gush of happy winds. The nip in the air was back and I all I could see was droplets...all around me.

The rain made my day while it was on the verge of culmination. While the mets are calling it a result of some western disturbance but for me rain has a different connotation.

It washes away what's redundant and makes way for the new. It seems as if the universe has conspired to steer us clear off the weaklinks that hinder our journey up the curve of life. It not just brought the new moon eclipse but it also threw in the flavors of the rain.

Anyways, whatever has been planned for us will happen in the due course but at this moment as I go off to sleep, I have a smile on my face and a song on my lips..."Singing In The Rain...."

Tomorrow's going to be a good day...

Wishes...

It seems as if our lives have been intertwined from the day our paths crossed. We've flown to the heights & fallen down in the troughs almost at the same time. We've held each other, letting each other tide over the waves that keep crashing now and then...just like an anchor.

My mind goes back to 3 years from now when we were at the brink of a milestone - a personal one & a professional one. And life was never same again.

Looks like our lives have come full circle and yet again I find us standing at the onset of another milestone - a personal one & a professional one. Life would once again change forever. But this time, it's going to be different. This time, we'll have the time of our lives when we move forward & embrace what's in store for us.

So here I am... standing in a corner... smiling away to glory... holding a jar full of wishes. Some for you...some for me. Let's sit together and open each wish carefully. We'll keep the wrappers nicely folded...tucked below our pillows.

You never know, when the wishes would sprinkle good luck & happiness in our lives, it's the wrappers that would remind us of the delight.

God bless you Rachu...

When The Time Is Right...

Everytime my ambitious side comes to fore, I'm told to be patient. I'm told, "when the time is right", everything will fall into its place, the time is almost round the corner and so on so forth.

What keeps tinkering with my mind is the thought - is there actually a way to know whether the time is right or not. Be it the right job that you love and it obviously comes with great pay, or the soul mate that completes you, a vocation that brings smile to your face and warmth to your heart, or a much needed vacation that inwinds you and last but not the least, a much wanted fitness regime for a foodie like me who doesn't think twice before binging.



What could possibly be the right sign that tells that a change is round the corner? You start getting calls from recruiters, you run into someone who makes your heart skip its beat, a leaflet is slid down your door alongwith the newspaper and it states that somewhere classes are starting for your favorite vocation, a friend asks you to join him/ her for a getaway or suddenly a gym is opened at your work place.

The aspirations, ambitions, wants and/ or needs could be countless and so would the signs be. So is there a fool's guide to know whent the right sign is dancing right in front of you, coaxing  you to take the next step that will change the way things are?

May be or may be not....

So then what do you do? Close your eyes, cross your heart, take a deep breath and listen to what your thoughts have to tell you. If they are telling you to jump in and flow with the tide, that's your cue. And if your thoughts do not flutter you at all, you know that the time is not right.

Take a chance & see if it works for you. It might or might not...

If it does, then life changes its course and if it doesn't then don't let it get to you. Move on to the next thought and stay open to embrace the change that is right round the corner...

The New Love In My Life...

You are all that we could have asked for. Every time I look at you, the song - "Mere Ghar Aayi Ek Nanhi Pari" comes to my mind. Before you tip toed with that baby pout and twinkling eyes, all we had wanted was a healthy baby.

But somewhere, I was hoping for a girl cherub. I could see myself splurging on the clips, ribbons, booties and what not. I would visualize you with your tender curls and used to count the number of pig tails, I would get to make.

I could see you peeping into my almirah & pulling out my favourite spaghetti just because you liked it too and wanted to wear it. I could see a chubby bumble bee jumping over a sleeping me on weekends because that's when she could not see me asleep. I had already made a count of which traits she would pick from each of her would be family members - her daddy's love for chicken, her mom's cuteness, my attitude & granny's love for sweets.

And now that you are here, I can't wait to see what you have in store for us. Each day brings greater delight than the day gone by. Be it the doped out monkey look, or the arched eyebrow that I get when I'm too chatty, to the sweet pea smile you give when your daddy calls out your name, or the peek-a-boo game that you love to play with your mommy.

Every day when I wake up, my steps take me to you and when I come back home from an exhausting day, one glimpse of yours is enough to energize me. I look forward to move my fingers across your dainty, chubby cheeks, seeking out that rare gorgeous smile that you dole out once in a while.

Our princess!! I wanted to tell you that you are dearly loved and you make each day special with your presence.

There's a new love in my life and she's called Pinka!!

God bless you love....

Miss You Dada...

It's been 11 years. Every year when this day approaches, I think I'm going to sail through smoothly. I assure myself that I have mourned enough and I'm past the pain that the thoughts would bring in. I keep telling myself that there is no way that this one day would affect me so much since I think about you every single day.

But the truth is different. Every year when finally the clock strikes 12 at midnight, it seems that I travel back to that day when you moved on to a different world. I've come to realise that no matter how many years go by, no matter with how much of ease I can speak about that fateful night, I will never stop thinking about you.

How I wish, there was something that I could have done to stop you from going forever and I will keep thinking about this until it's my time to go. Another year, another night, but the truth still remains the same...

Miss you dada.... more and more with each passing year...

Rest in peace...