Plan C Is For Combat

                                                                    

We humans have a tendency to make plans for our lives. These plans tend to cover most, if not every, aspect of our lives. 

When Plan A doesn't yield results, you have Plan B and if Plan B also falls short, you have Plan C... and so goes the saying and so is our approach to life. 

Many of you know that I've been on my 2nd lifetime since 2020. Clearly, my Plan A (pre-2020) didn't work out so I was out and about with my Plan B. As 2024 was at the edge of welcoming 2025 into our lives, it was an exciting time or so it seemed. Work was fulfilling, was living each day to my fullest, knew my tribe and it felt as if I didn't need anything more.

And then came the bang before the 'New Year'. In Dec '24, my biannual health screening picked up something that I was able to steer clear of for last 5 years. 

The 'Big C' was back, right next to its first appearance. Alas! It came back but blessed that it got picked up in early stage. With the grit that runs in my blood, I took it as 'Glass Half Full'. I was yet again given a chance to put every ounce of my focus, energy, resources and support to treat it. And I did!!

Recurrence made the treatment a tad bit (😉) arduous & grueling than last time. Became a gladiator with stitches, celebrated my birthday at the hospital, dealt with drains, came face to face with 6 cycles of chemo after successfully evading it for 5 years but the most unexpected thing was that every time, I looked myself in the mirror - I saw a stranger. So, I stopped looking into the mirror. 

I used to think that I was already past the tests that alter your life forever (2020 & Covid). But this was darker than that. I won't shy away from sharing that I broke down multiple times, my mind blanked out innumerable times, I had never experienced physical pain like I did and so much more. 

This was miles below my rock bottom....

BUT...

Every time I hit that nadir, I pulled myself up - "I have been given a chance to fight this and so I will. Come what may, I will overcome this. Every day, it is a battle of mind & body, and I will win over both." 

And so, I lead through each day of my treatment. Few heartfelt confessions - 

• Seeing my gorgeous strands fall in bunches, broke my heart more than anything else
• Shaving off my head was the most exhilarating & liberating experience of my life
• At my lowest, my eyelashes were down to just 1, eyebrows all gone, hair regrowing in patches - that was the time when I came face to face with true character of those I thought mattered to me
• A friend met me after almost 10 years and hugged me with immense happiness. She kept rubbing my bald head and with all genuineness kept assuring me that I was looking cute. She had seen her mother go through this ordeal several years back. She understood...
• A friend who mattered a lot, chose to not meet me, no video calls. Unexpected but welcomed because it made sense of a lot of things
• Family stood by me like fierce warriors. They shunned anybody who could potentially hurt me or bring down my spirits. They too went beyond their comfort zones to protect me
• Office colleagues truly turned out to be second family. Not a single day went by when they didn't check on me
• My darling Doc and Bandhu stood rock solid like true guardian angels
• A dear friend who calls herself my Hanuman, prayed for me every day and brightened my days with her wisdom & encouragement
• Prayers poured in from all corners of the world and I felt their power, every day
• Maitri X strengthened my healing
• Only this journey has helped me fathom the boundlessness of the Universal Powers. I bow before them with folded hands and gratitude

Once the treatment was over, on the surface I seemed fine, but I knew that I was breaking inside, floating in a deep abyss not knowing how to navigate past this. To the outside world - I was already a warrior....

And then, in July 2025, I expressed my desire to watch one of the most awaited movies of the year - F1: The Movie.

Sonny Hayes felt personal. He was out for comeback. He was out for redemption. And so was I. As I watched each frame of the movie with a childlike excitement, the winning moment of the race jolted me out of my abyss. With tears rolling down my eyes, somewhat shaking, I finally broke out of the darkness surrounding me. I was free.

I went on to watch the movie 2 more times and with each view, I felt redeemed, I felt alive. 

A lot went left in the last 17 months, and a lot went right too. From the deep abyss of abnormally mutating cells to an exhilarating journey full of gratitude and belief. 

So today, exactly 12 months after my last chemo, I am coming out to the world with my Plan C....

Plan C is for COMBAT, and I will WITHSTAND anything that will come my way....

My Time Travel From Forty To Two...

 

When I said goodbye to 2021 and ushered in 2022, I was full of gratitude for what life had taught me & what it had offered me in the form of my support system & my tribe.  Till now, 2022 has been one of the most remarkable years that I have ever witnessed and I hope that the journey would only get better with each passing day. 

The year started with me turning 40. Till a day before, I was out & about. However, the morning of my birthday, in the wake of surging third wave, I chose to celebrate at home to the dismay of friends & dear ones. Despite my decision, my tribe ensured that it turned out to be a day filled with lots of love, warmth & cherished moments. Gifts, flowers, cakes and greetings poured in through out the day. 

A week later, another moment arrived. I got promoted as a Vice President. While many of us aspire to hold that title, but for me it was special for a very different reason. After my run in with cancer in April 2020, I took a long medical break and it was only around August 2020 that I joined back work. I thought the worst was over but I was so wrong. I struggled to be my earlier high performing self in more ways than one and this realization hit me really hard. The thought that came to my mind was - "Sonal! This is the beginning to the end of a fulfilling career!"

This, I think was the lowest phase that I had ever experienced professionally. I mustered courage, asked for help and that is all I had to do. I got all the support that I could have asked for. During one of our conversations around March 2021, my supervisor told me - "Sonal! With time, you don't just have to get back to the level you were at but you have to get better than who you were before. I thought - he's got to be kidding me".

But later in the day and for many coming days, I kept thinking about what he had said to me. I then pledged to myself that if he had so much belief in me then let me really make an effort to prove him right. And I did. For the next several months, I rallied with determination, battled nervous moments - mostly medically, but I ensured that not just I continued to pay hawk eye attention to my health regime but also my professional goal. 

While I have been promoted several times in the past, but the journey outlined above made this one as the most special & cherished one. For me, it felt life altering.

I was still coming to terms with my promotion when the next moment arrived. During the weekend immediately after my promotion announcement, my mother & sister in law fell ill. After 2 years of rigorous precautions, they finally fell prey to the highly transmissible Omicron. While taking care of them, eventually my brother & I both got infected too and tested positive. This variant got to us, practically within our own home owing to asymptomatic maid. While everyone stated that Omicron was mild but it did break all of us in some way or the other. My immunocompromised state added to the symptoms. I will never forget those days of battling Covid - 19 out together as a family. By the way, I still haven't managed to get back to the pre Covid - 19 strength quotient but I will get there slowly. 

As I moved out of this phase, my next moment was waiting for me. This one is the most cherished one of 2022.  In April 2022, I completed my 2 years of being cancer free. This is one of the major milestones in cancer treatment. I was due for my scheduled tests and I must say that by the grace of God, all my tests got done in the most smooth manner in comparison to the last 3 set of tests that I took across past 18 months. While I read through the reports and I could make out that all seemed well, I finally met my Oncologist over this weekend to hear the final verdict from him.

He said - "Sonal! All your reports are good and since this is the 2 years mark, we will now move out your checkups from every 3 months to 6 months". The wave of relief that splashed over me is inexplicable. I danced a thousand dances while I drove back from the consultation and treated myself to some delicious pan Asian food. 

As I turned Two, this weekend I looked back to my journey of 2 years & it has been a humbling experience. I have lost a lot yet gained a lot. I have lived in fear, yet fought it with all my courage and strength. There were days I wanted to take it easy with a cheat day (food & fitness). Some days I did cheat but the other days, I pulled myself up to persevere. I said "No" to a lot of distractions. I had to put in more than 5 to 6 times of my usual effort to get better than who I was. I had to get away from situations that were toxic for me and from people who could not understand my struggle or my need to live life my way - because we only have limited time & we should make the most of it. This phase has taught me renewed respect & value for health, people, food & finances.    

This is my time travel from Forty to Two...

I am sure that there are many more milestones and moments that are waiting around various corners of this journey that I am traversing. I believe that I am geared up - not only to face challenges that may be lurking around  but also to celebrate life as it passes by. Cheers to many more such time travels!!

My message to you all :  "Stay safe, stay healthy and most importantly - live your life." 

Ushering 2022 With Gratitiude

What a journey it was!! The crests and troughs...the ebbs and flows...uncertain moments and times of celebrations...you brought it all - 2021. Thank you for being the year that made me stronger, brought my tribe closer to me, urged me to come out with my big C experience and taught me to keep forging forward no matter what the circumstance. 

As we all usher in 2022 with renewed hopes, dreams and aspirations...I want to take this moment to offer my heartfelt gratitude to each one of you out there who were a part of my journey.

Some of you were my pillars of strength, my sounding board, some were the voice of sanity and some simply my guardian angels. Some of you nudged me to continue to become a better version of myself,  helped me focus on what matters and what doesn't. You all stood with me and offered your unwavering support.

Be it the medical professionals, colleagues, mentors, nutritionist, yoga guru, family members or friends. It is thanks to all of you that I have come this far in the year gone by. 

A humble thank you to all of you. I hope to be blessed with your continued support as we all step into 2022. May you all and your families be blessed with safe, healthy, happy and prosperous 2022.  

God Bless....

Shine Bright Mahendra...

A vivacious and curious soul you were. Always the first one to come up with ideas and questions too. You were one of a kind kiddo and I would never forget the gala time we all had during our play acting session for the HR offsite. 

Wherever you are, my dear, may you make it a better place. 

Rest in peace...

Tera Mujhse Hai Pehley Ka Naata Koi...

This one is the first in series of stories that have touched my life and changed me as a person forever. 

This is not my personal experience but one that a doctor on my Twitter TL shared and I sought due permission from her to share this with you all. This story had to be told.

Around 5 days back, towards the end of her shift, Dr. DG video called the relatives of a Covid patient who is not going to make it. They usually do this at their hospital if it is something that the family requests for. 

The patient's son requested few minutes of the doctor's time and sang a song for his dying mother. He sang - 

"Tera Mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi..."

Dr. DG just stood there holding the phone, looking at him looking at his mother and singing. The nurses around also came over and stood in silence. 

He broke down in the middle but finished the verse. Her asked the doctor for his mother's vitals, thanked her and then hung up the phone. 

Doctor DG & the nurses just stood there - their eyes moist, heads shaking. One by one, the nurses went back to their allocated patients and attended to them or the alarms of vents/dialysis units.

The relevance of this song had changed for them, especially for the doctor. She said that "this song will always be theirs. The son, his voice, his quiet dignity are his mom's legacy."

After reading this tweet, it changed for me too. The doctor had tagged the son in her post. I went on to his TL and offered my condolences. 

No other words to share so I leave you all with the link for this song...

Tera Mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi

 

Thank You...

 

A storm was raging...

The past 60 days went by in a daze. While the pandemic was transforming into an enraged monster outside and permeating our lives deeper than it did in the past, I was facing a storm of my own. 

While I was prepping up for my half yearly medical checkup, my mind was awash with thoughts of what had transpired a year ago. It wasn't in my control and the flashbacks kept coming back. I was reliving all of it and I couldn't help it. To top it up, the thought of my impending tests was also unnerving me. 

60 days forward, as of today - my test reports are clean (did hit a temporary bump in between but thankfully we were able to rule out any new malignancies). The day my doctor said, after reviewing my reports, "Sonal! All's well and you go live your life king size!!", the relief that I experienced was simply out of this world. A weight had lifted off my shoulders. 

I wanted to write this post the very same day but could not. Here it is now. 

With folded hands, I want to send out umpteen wishes of thank you to all the people who have become my pillars of strength during my journey. 

1. The Medical Fraternity - a thank you to all the doctors across the globe who helped me with my diagnosis, guided me with the right course of treatment and are still helping me with my regular checkup and queries. This fraternity also comprises of some people who are family/ dear friends and I will thank them once again when I talk about them. I didn't even speak or meet some of the  doctors but my friends/family had reached out to them and sourced helpful information for me. Some only responded via emails/watsapp. But each one played a pivotal part. 

2. My Family & Extended Family - words fall short when I talk about them. My immediate family bore the brunt and stress of my accident and the Big C treatment last year. They stood like a cluster of stubborn, strong rocks that surrounded me and ensured that I never faced any challenge alone. They watched over me like a pack of wolves, their guards always up. My extended family, kept me in their prayers and did not leave any opportunity to tell me that all will be well and I will sail through. The medical experts, focused on getting me the right information at all stages of my treatment and prepped me for what's to come at each stage. 

3. My Friends & Dear Ones - they were and still are my back bone. Despite the stringent lockdown that was imposed last year, some of them managed to give me the much needed facetime, even if it meant that they stood like a hawk around an almost unconscious me when I was rolled out of my first operation or when I stood in my balcony & they on the road, waving like kids. They kept me in their prayers, performed special prayers for my safety, zonked me with some real bad jokes but most importantly, they kept in touch with me and made me smile every time they spoke with me.  They kept my spirits up and afloat. Here as well, the medical experts guided me at all times about what to do next and kept a close pulse check on my treatment. 

4. My Colleagues & Company - my company and colleagues stood firm with me during this entire journey. They supported me in every possible way. Frankly, I had never expected that they would collectively come together to help me in the way they did and still are doing and for that I am eternally grateful. They offered me to take as much time off as I required, my colleagues kept me in their prayers, kept in regular touch with me. They were always ready with any kind of help that I may have required. Even made my return to work as comfortable as possible. I truly feel lucky that I am a part of such an employee centric organization and work amongst this amazing group of colleagues. 

5. My Nutrition Experts - at a time, when gyms and parks were shut, I was still recuperating from my multiple surgeries, it was my nutrition experts who played a pivotal role in helping me transform into a fitter me. They guided me with the right diet plan. It wasn't an easy transition for a foodie like me but I still had to do what was the need of the hour. They stood firm with me in this journey and today, thanks to them, I am experiencing a different version of myself. 

6. My Yoga Guru - he was recommended by a colleague. A very patient and understanding guru who guided me at all steps and helped me become fitter and continues to support me. 

My journey is still on and I will continue to draw support and strength from each and everyone mentioned above. Every night, when I close my eyes, I send out a humble thank you to each of you. It is because of all of you that I am here. 

Thank You!!

The Reflections Of My Journey...

 

This past year has been no less than a teacher for me. In my last post, I finally mustered the courage to bare my soul and come out about my experience. This post is about what I learnt from that tumultuous journey of mine. I believe that my musings may be able to aid someone, somewhere, in their own journey of struggle and thus, here I go. 

Musing 1: It Won't Happen To me Syndrome

Most of us think that we are invincible. We tend to forget that we are mere mortals and it is very easy for us to fall prey to worldly vices, spices and malaise. Even when our bodies are giving us warning signals, we tend to ignore them thinking that it is immaterial. Please come out of this reverie. Prepare yourself for the unseen and unexpected to whatever extent possible. Listen to your body, discerningly. Go for that medical checkup that you have been postponing indefinitely.  Be absolutely cautious, if your family has a history of a particular ailment. 

Musing 2: Get Your Financial Planning Right

There is no greater pleasure than retail therapy. I guess all of us would agree to that with varying degrees. Some of us are possibly wise and thus invest in financial stability of our future. A lot of us also plan for medical emergencies but the count may be minimal. How much of insurance is enough to cover unforeseen medical expenses? Have you taken the right insurance? Maybe I should first ask, how many of you even have a medical insurance? Is your insurance protecting you for critical illnesses? There are umpteen such questions that each of you should proactively think about and then act accordingly. I won't insist that you buy insurance but what I am suggesting is that invest money that will help you tide over medical emergencies. Once again, if there are known ailment history in the family, all the more reason to guard against them.

Musing 3: Act Now To Get Fit

It's a matter of just 30 minutes. Invest these 30 minutes towards your fitness - brisk walk, yoga, meditation, circuit training, cardio or anything else that speaks to your body. I can assure you that in the times to come, your body will thank you. It is never too late to start. There is no defined age to start. Just do it!

Musing 4: Find Your Tribe

If and when the inevitable happens and you find yourself coping with a health predicament, turn to your tribe. Your circle of friends/family/colleagues/dear ones who strengthen you as a person and have got your back. They collectively act as the trampoline that sets you to bounce back after the nosedive. They help you resurrect and rebuild. Do not shy away from reaching out to them and asking for help. Be a part of someone else's tribe. The realization that you helped someone rebuild themselves has immense healing power in itself.

Musing 5: Be Proactive 

Take charge of your body and guide it towards being healthy. Depending on your age and family history, schedule quarterly/half yearly/annual checkups, whatever works right for you. Make it a habit and do not defer for any reason. 

Musing 6: Believe In Your Inner Strength

If testing times do surround you, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT stop believing even for a minute that will you be able to sail through. The power of believing our inner strength is exponential. It can help us move mountains as well, in times of need. No day is same and time never stops. The spirit of us humans is such that it helps us endure. So believe...

Musing 7: Do Not Ignore Mental Health

A lot of us do not regard mental health as an essential part of our overall wellbeing. Stop doing that today itself. Invest time and effort in strengthening it. Embrace mindfulness and see how it does wonders with your well being. 

I will take a pause here, hoping that my musings may be of some help to you all. 

Stay healthy and take care of yourselves...

And I Turn One...

 

The year 2020 was an unexpected one. Not just for me but for everyone. When I look back, I cannot think of anyone known to me who wasn't impacted by the rigmarole that the year threw at us. 

While for most it was the COVID related complications, for me fate had something else in store as well - not one but two unexpected turn of events.

A week before the sudden lockdown was imposed, I happen to feel a lump in my right mammary gland. Suddenly anxious, I decided to get it checked out without wasting any time. The very same day I visited my gynecologist and she too confirmed the presence and ordered further tests.  Still hoping that this is just a false scare, I went about getting my ultrasound. The report confirmed a lump. I was immediately referred to a surgical oncologist who then added a few more tests. 

While all this was happening, my family had no inkling as to what was I up to. With each day, my anxiety rose and I would try and subdue it. I underwent a contrast based MRI and awaited my results with bated breath. 

The doctor called me on the evening of 18th Mar '20 and asked me to meet her the next day, in person. With hope filled in my heart I complied but only to hear the dreaded words. She gently broke the news to me that my lump was malignant. 

In utter state of shock, I sensed tears trickling down my cheeks and I had frozen. She kept calling my name but I couldn't respond. After what felt like an eternity, I asked her whether she was absolutely sure about it and she said she was. my doctor immediately ordered a true cut biopsy for the very next day.

Such is life, that after hearing this news, I actually drove back to work, somehow managed to work (there was one dear one at work, to whom I confided how my world seemed to be collapsing) through the shift and then returned home.

The biopsy was concluded seamlessly but I must say that it was painful and local anesthesia didn't help me much. I came back home, and logged in to work. After a while I realized that my biopsy cut was bleeding out and so I rushed to change the dressing. 

While trying to do so in the bathroom, I suddenly felt dizzy and immediately tried to sit down on the stool kept nearby. But before I could reach it, everything around me turned black and I passed out - face flat on the floor.

After a few seconds or minutes, I regained consciousness. I opened my eyes and saw a pool of blood all around me. I could not fathom as to what had happened. I tried to get up and blood gushed out. I could not figure out where was it dripping from? I somehow got up and walked towards the mirror and saw my bloodied face. I was bleeding profusely from my nose. More water I poured to clean it, the more I bled. I placed cotton on my nose and rushed out. My brother was in the room next door and he immediately took me to the hospital.

The doctors examined me and the x-ray confirmed that I had not one but four fractures on my nose (including a broken septum) and I had to be operated urgently. I was hospitalized immediately and underwent an emergency operation the next day (20th Mar '20). While I was getting operated, at the very same time we underwent sudden lockdown. 

Three days of hospitalization, two days of breathing from the mouth and many stitches later, I was discharged. While my focus had been diverted by this sudden accident, it was brought back by the biopsy result. The malignant lump was reconfirmed. My heart sank further.

And then started the battle of will and perseverance. With covered faces, my brother and I started making rounds of various hospitals to seek alternate opinions and conclude further tests. Basis my reports, every doctor confirmed that I had Stage 1 mammary cancer. It looked very early stage but the final diagnosis would be based after the post lumpectomy analysis. 

I will not bore you all with description of this list of tests I underwent before I was operated but that was also an experience in itself. 

Finally on 6th Apr '20, I underwent my lumpectomy, spent a painful night at the hospital and got discharged on the 7th - exactly a year from today. 

God has been kind to me. The imposed lockdown speeded up my treatment as doctors and medical facilities were readily available. Post my operation, with seasoned advice from some of the best doctors, we could rule out chemotherapy. I underwent the mandatory radiotherapy and then started hormone therapy. The lockdown led work from home was a boon for me.

It has been a long road to recovery since then. Life has altered forever. Today as I look back to this past year, I truly feel blessed to be alive. There were many dark days when I thought that I would not see my next birthday or I would not recuperate and many other such thoughts. 

It has been a life altering journey - today I know, what really matters and who really matters. Priorities have changed. I know it for a fact that I would not be the same person I was and I cannot live the life I was living back then. But I know this for a fact that what I am building now, is far better and far healthier. 

There are still many dark days - fear of recurrence that always dangles over the head, short term & long term side effects of my treatment but I think I am still managing. I know that I will sail through. 

Without naming anyone here, with folded hands, I want to express my heartfelt and unending gratitude to my family, dear ones, colleagues and friends who have stood with me like a rock. It has been equally difficult for them to see me go through this journey and I will never be able to forget their support. 

Some relationships strengthened, some crumbled, some don't understand what I go through everyday (some days even I don't for that matter 😀). I now know who my tribe is for sure. 

To all of you with whom I spoke at some point of time during the year, did not tell you about what was happening and chatted as if the world was same as before - my apologies. I did not want to pull you into what I was experiencing coz the pandemic was doing enough to trouble each of us. 

I now feel lighter. I have been thinking about writing this post for the longest of time but for some reason, my hands would tremble and I would stop even before I began.

But today, as I reach the milestone that I thought I would not, a renewed hope has been instilled...

As I look back, I am grateful to the almighty. I have been blessed with the chance to live my life once again. It is still me but a different me - born again from the fire that engulfed me. 

And I turn one...

PS - The story doesn't end here. There's more to come in the coming days so stay tuned.

Fond Memories

It’s been 18 years since you’ve gone but it always feels like yesterday. Each year I gain more strength to face this day and every other day without you. 

Today I won’t talk about how I miss you or how I keep thinking about you but something else. 

Let’s rewind to 27-Jan-2019. I was in Australia for work and it was first time in 16 years that I wasn’t home on this day and didn’t have any friends/family around too - double whammy. 

Nevertheless, I still thought of following my annual ritual of visiting a Gurudwara to offer my prayers. I googled the location and the travel route. Thus, began a Sunday journey which was waiting to become memorable. 

I took the train to Box Hill and from there I had to board a cab to reach Gurudwara at Blackburn. When I booked Uber, a driver named Sourav picked up my travel request. 

We started the journey and as always I started chatting about his whereabouts, experience in Australia etc. While the journey had started, he hadn’t paid attention to the exact destination. 

He then asked me, where was I off to. The moment I told him that I’ll be visiting the Gurudwara in Blackburn, he instantly said - “Oh you are going to the Guru’s home and there is no way I can charge you for that.”

I told him it was absolutely alright and I was indeed thankful that he was taking me there. He didn’t listen to me and while I kept telling him to charge me for the trip, he cancelled the trip on his app. 

He then dropped me to the Gurudwara and wished me a good day before he drove back.

Still speechless from this experience, I entered the Gurudwara, just to be immersed in the beauty that it was. I had a memorable darshan, offered my prayers in peace and even got to taste the langar. 

When I stepped out, I realized that this day couldn’t have concluded on a better note. The universe had conspired to make it memorable in a good way. 

Today, as I look back to that day, the memories bring smile to my face. Sourav, wherever you are, sending across thousands of blessings for you for that kind gesture that I will never forget. Umpteen blessings for each of the kind souls I met at the Gurudwara. 

You all were with me on a day I thought how to sail through alone. With folded hands, I keep each one of you in my memories. 

To you, Dada dearest...May you rest in peace, stay warm and safe, wherever you are...

She Is Back...

Gosh!! It's been a year already but to me this self imposed hiatus felt like time had practically stopped. When I look back now, I am not sure why I felt the need to take this break but my guess is that the pace at which my life was taking me round the globe, I felt like I had to do this.

Felt incomplete, felt like words wanted to spurt out but I had closed the gates, kept making mental notes of all the posts that I wanted to write with each day that I traveled and I'm actually hoping that I would be able to recall all those thoughts that kept popping up. 

Just like a blocked water pipe, when small water droplets trickle out and then slowly the flow picks up, I can sense the words already dancing in my mind as I type. It's just a matter of time that all of them would just come bursting out and oh boy I cannot wait :)

The travels down under, the living out of suitcases, the sun kissed beaches, the shades of the sunsets, humans with heart of gold, getting back in touch with dear ones and so much more. There is so much that I want to share with all that I can't stop smiling as I write. 

As we approach the end of this decade and yearn to welcome the new year with our precious hopes and dreams, I can sense the gypsy in me coming back to life after the long hibernation.

She is back...

Trot...Trot...She Went...

Come day or a night... trot trot she went...

Seasons changed...people too...trot trot she went...

Up on the mountains...down on the beach...

Trot trot she went...

Her world turned upside down yet trot trot she went...

Just about when her passport was to expire...

Trot trot she went...

Here, there, everywhere...

Trot trot she went...

Her soul was that of a gypsy...

Couldn’t halt when she had to...

Thus the One Above signalled...

She didn’t need to...

A visit to the mother city...

Or a trip down under...

A ride across cities...

Whenever she got a chance...

Trot trot she went...

Almost half a year, off to new corners of the world...

Trot trot she went...

New faces, new experiences lined up to be her friend...

At the brink of welcoming another year...

Trot she goes again...

What does the coming year has in store for her...

Only time will be able to tell.

Soorma...

This year has been so crazy that it seems as if it has paused my ability to express whatever, whenever.  The more thoughts that raced in my mind, quieter I became - by choice or by chance? Maybe both. 

What is life but a series of endless crossroads. You think - “Hey! I just crossed one!” And that very moment the other one is waiting right at the corner. I thought I was just walking away from the crossroad that the beginning of this year brought and suddenly, right in front of me I saw another one shaping up just in time. 

It’s the same old story! Personal and professsional. I’m at a point where a new challenge awaits. If I conquer it then I would soar high but if I slip, fingers won’t shy away from pointing at me. Something never done before. I have seen many firsts in last 18 months and this would be the next one. Nervous yet excited and that has always worked for me. 

Personally, the lesser said the better. On a lighter note, I feel like the one above is playing chess in full spirit and I’m the favourite pawn. I could write a sassy book about it. 

Nevertheless, I have seen myself in such situations quite often and I would like to believe that like every time I will unleash  the spirit of the Phoenix and rise above. Bollywood has always been very kind to me and has always slipped across an anthem that gets me going when the going gets tough. 

This time around this anthem is called “Soorma”. I urge you all to listen to it as well. Close your eyes (Not while driving you idiot!!), deep breath and let the Soorma bring out your spirit to rise above all odds and fly high.

Trust me, we all have that trait but it just needs a little nudge!! Currently on loop every day, Soorma is what brings out the Phoenix in me. 

Cheers!!

Rest In Peace...

Two weeks back when the world was celebrating the Eid festivities, I got news that a dear college friend lost his father.

I am someone who seldom gets tongue tied and would always have an answer to any question thrown at me. The only exception to this is when the unpredictable life throws the question of life and death. As a beautiful new being makes me speechless with joy, the loss of a dear one also leaves me at loss of words.

Yaara I wish I could help ease out the pain that you are going through right now. Takes me back 15 years when I went through my personal ordeal. Don’t forget to breathe slowly coz some nights would be dark, some days would be blank, time would stand still around you and only you would be able to break through this cycle. 

You will take your time to heal and come to terms with the reality but my promise to you is that you will not be alone in this journey.

Rab Raakha!!

Get Your Act Right...

Few weeks back, a once dear one called me. He wasn’t drunk dialling me but was definitely several pegs down. He was generally catching up. While he was talking about what’s going on with him, I (a critique of how he usually acts) was slowly shredding apart his actions. 

After a while, he came to a point where he said - “Sonal! I am beginning to think that I don’t have it in me to deal with what’s going on. I’m not competent enough to manage what I have gotten into.” 

I wanted to say then and there that- you fool, don’t you see how you are being forced to learn a long overdue lesson? But then I stopped myself from saying this out loud. This was something I had been telling him for a long time. I had tried to explain this to him many times during the past few years but couldn’t get it through because the dear one in question is stubborn and hard headed as a mule.

I don’t know if this post would be of any help or not but that won’t stop me from penning it down. I can only hope against hope that this would get some logic into your brain and help you get back on track. 

So here’s what you need to understand and accept-

1. We mortals are not perfect beings and that’s why it’s said - to err is human 

2. That’s why the circle of life states that we must learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. It is also ok to make a new mistake as that may lead to another learning

3. When we try to act smarter and ignore the lesson a mistake is trying to teach us then the one above will through that learning at us till the time we see it and accept it

4. You , my friend, are stuck and point 3 and that’s the reason you are in your current state of mind 

It’s time you understand the above and bring about some much needed change so that you don’t end up driving yourself against the wall and the people around you as well. You need to learn the following and your time is running out so the sooner you understand and accept the better is would be for you- 

1. Respect other people - from all walks of life who take out time and connect with you personally or professionally

2. Do not forget courtesy - learn to follow basic rules of courtesy and communication. You are not the busiest human alive on this earth. Everyone else may be equally busy as you but if they can extend basic courtesy then so can you. You must be wondering why am I saying this? Returning calls, fulfilling commitments made, responding to texts, say only what you mean and mean everything you say... am sure these ring a bell

3. Keep things crystal clear in personal and professional relations. Do not keep conversations grey and open to misinterpretation. Be the first one to nip a potential miscommunication or misconception in the bud. Don’t expect that this should be done by others while you sit back and enjoy the confusion

4. Put problems of dear ones that may arise from your actions at equal pedestal as the problems in your life, if not higher. If you are the reason for someone’s troubles and woos, don’t take much time in resolving them. And if for some reason there is a delay in resolution, be courteous enough to face them and tell them the same with a humble apology. You will not become smaller by this act. In fact the other person will respect you more. You cannot fathom the hurt that is caused when we become the reason for tears in the eyes of our dear ones. Every tear costs us blessings and makes our karma a bit dirtier. Trust me my friend- this is the easiest way to attract God’s wrath

5. Take a moment to look at what’s happening around you and be there for people (at least who matter) in their times of need and don’t just whine about your problems and how you are unable to think beyond them. This is when you earn blessings and that helps us forge forward with determination

6. The rule of life says that our dear ones would let us down several times in our lifetime. You are no exception but atleast don’t do that when a dear one is already at a low point in their life or don’t be the reason because of which they would reach the nadir

7. Try investing respectable amount of energy in your key personal relationships so that these become your strength in the journey of life. From what I know, every month in every year, you are not on talking terms with atleast one dear one. While I am no expert but any one will tell you that this is an extremely poor record of managing relationships

You need to earn good karma my friend. All your ongoing challenges are God’s way of breaking you down to understand all the above mentioned behaviour that you exhibit day in and day out. Till the time you won’t clean up your act, your challenges will not reduce but they would worsen further. When the almighty would see that you are genuinely attempting to be a better person, he/she would ease out your life path and in turn help you succeed. So before it is too late - 

“GET YOUR ACT RIGHT!!”

Period!

With Them...For Them... Forever...

I came across this ad few days back and it brought a smile to my face. I dedicate this one to all my dear friends who have someone significant in their lives - spouse and spice both. 

Often, as years of togetherness passes by, we take each other for granted, we don’t make enough time  for them or we let the love dry out. This is a wake up call. Before all this happens, make a conscious effort to be together and make everyday a special one for your partner.

We all have one life to live. So live it as if there is no tomorrow. Making it special for them, makes it even more special for us. 

I see and hear about so many relationships breaking up every day but still there are some that make me hopeful. When two people want to make it work, they will move mountains to do so.

And so should you...

As for me, what’s my favourite part of the above video? The smile that flashes on the husband’s face when the wife hugs him...priceless...that sums it all...

When The Mighty Falls...

I am guilty of giving into daily rigmarole that life threw at me this year and not investing enough time  in what unwinds me instantly- penning down my thoughts. So here I am, back again to where I belong - the world of my words.

This one is about the Mighty ones. Each of us have few of them in our lives. We build our world around them and center everything around their happiness, likes, dislikes etc and forget our own selves in this journey. And then suddenly one day, appears a crack. It starts with small signs here and there. An unanswered call, a message that was never replied to, streaks of selfish requests, not being available when one needed the other one, running away from candid conversations and the list goes on.

The mighty one knowingly or unknowingly start exposing a side of theirs which was never known to the ones who hold them close to heart. Either it’s pretence to get away or it’s actually their reality that they cant hide any more. Usually it’s the second one. 

And then comes the fall from grace. Once the mighty one falls, the world that the ones who loved them, built around them ...crumbles. There’s no looking back after that especially if the mighty one don’t realise that they were at fault. Acceptance never comes easily to them and denial takes their dear ones even farther away. 

To all the mighty ones who have fallen from grace in front of their dear ones this year, this is all I want to tell you- 

“Close your eyes and bend your head to think. It takes a lot for the one who loves you, to the core, to let the world they built around you shatter in pieces that cannot come again together. It takes a lot for them to finally say enough is enough and decide to walk away. Put yourselves in their shoes and for a minute just try and imagine what they might have gone through because you chose not to mend your ways. You may not be able to bring them back in your life but atleast have the decency to do right by them so that your karma gets cleansed a bit and it may decide to haunt you less.”

This song speaks the story of a fallen one so aptly and maybe... just maybe it will teach you the lesson that you should learn first on the road to redemption.

Happy Birthday Bandhu...

Dear Bandhu,

I should have written this letter to you many years back but better late than never. Well as fate would have it – it was in our stars to cross each other’s path and I definitely didn’t know back then, how our lives would change.

In 6 months from now, our journey together would turn 12 years old and that’s simply remarkable. We have seen many crests and troughs that life threw at us but we faced each of these together and emerged stronger. 

By now you already know about the curve ball that life threw at us when the fate planned our friendship. Of all the coincidences that I could think of, this one never ever crossed my mind and thus I was bowled over unexpectedly. Well to be precise, not in the happiest of ways. ​

Post us becoming friends, when I got to know that your birthday coincided with the day my father had passed away, it felt as if someone had pulled the growth beneath my feet. Honestly, I was stunned. This was way back in 2006 and my loss was way too fresh and raw in my mind.

I ended up treating you unfairly for several years after this revelation. While you waited for your best buddy to greet you on your birthday, the so called buddy (that’s me – guilty as charged) kept running away from this. She didn’t have the balls to do so back then. I would just say sorry and go quiet. 

But you my friend, never felt bad and always comforted me that it was alright. What touched me the most was when you said – “Sam it doesn’t matter whether you wish me happy birthday or not. As long as you are my friend, every day is a celebration.”

Bandhu! I must have done something right in my previous Karma that I got you as my friend. Over the years, as I learnt to accept my loss, I also learnt to accept that it was unfair to be absent on your most special day. And then I changed that streak few years back. While I cannot really make up for the lost birthdays but now, I try and ensure that I make your birthday as special as I can.

So here’s a special birthday wish for you – 

My dearest Bandhu!! You are a gem of a person and it would not have been possible for me to sail through, had you not been there in my life. Just like yester years, I hope and pray that we would continue to stand by each other, come what may. I will keep troubling you with all my madness and moodiness and you have no other option but to deal with it (wink wink). I will continuously harass you, should you become negligent about your health and work life balance. PS – you know what pain in the a** I can be on this front.

And last but not the least – may this birthday open the gates to a healthier, happier and a prosperous world for you. May you shine like the brightest star from the midnight sky and if ever you need any help – sabse peechey hum khadey.

I don’t know for how long would we be together in this journey of life, but with each passing day, this journey is becoming memorable, fulfilling and a tad more nostalgic than it was yesterday.

Happy birthday Bandhu!!

In You...Is Me...

Every year as the month of January moves towards the 27th, my mind tends to race back to what transpired 15 years back. Actually, no day passes by when the thought doesn’t cross my mind but the D-Day is the craziest of all.

In the wee hours of the day, I sat quietly on the sofa in front of the television - sound muted, just staring at it and my mind was elsewhere. I kept thinking around where in the land of souls would he be now? Heaven? Hell? Is there any other world? But I couldn’t find the right answer. How was he? I didn’t had an answer to that either.

I silently sent my thoughts to him – “I understand that you are no more but then you came to meet me right before my exams so as to pacify me but why have you never come to meet me after that? Couldn’t you do it just once? I have waited to 15 years for something like this to happen again. What else would it take to have you come back to meet me?”

The television screen kept reflecting on my face but my eyes were closed and God knows where my mind was. I kept thinking again and again about the words I sent out to him but I wasn’t getting any answer.

I might have probable dozed off in front of the television only, just like most nights, and then suddenly my eyes flew open. Don’t get too excited folks because he didn’t actually come back but it was as if he sent back his word.

My mind was suddenly filled with an answer that maybe he wanted me to have. And here is what he probable said – 

“My darling daughter!! I am not far away from you. In fact, I am always around you. It is just that you are too busy to notice me.”

How so? I asked.

He continued – 

“You see, I am in you because you came from me. The stubbornness that you exude with pride is something you got from me. Your perseverance to never back down till the end, once again comes from the time I braced all odds to achieve a winner. You are mostly serious but you know how to have fun once in a while – how could you forget this since you used to tell me the exact same thing. While it doesn’t happen so often but my dear, you do have a temper like me. 

You have the perfection bug and would you like to guess, where do you get it from? You think many times before taking a risk, not because you fear failure but because you want to calculate it before you plunge into it? Does that sound familiar? I heard your mother saying the other day – oh her writing is just like her fathers’. I can tell you that I was beaming from ear to ear. While you still have a long way to go professionally but you have covered a lot of ground and had I been around, I would have probably be known by your name and not vice versa.

Our food preferences match, our penchant for timelines match. Oh and we both exhibit similar seriousness towards having a secure future for ourselves and our families as well. There is so much more to say and I could go on and on but what I am trying to tell you dear daughter is that – I am here only. I reside in you, as you. In you is me but you have been so busy searching for me around that you never did notice.

So pause for a minute, take a deep breath and think – through which trait of yours would you feel me around you today or on any given day. And once you have your answer, there is no way that you will feel alone. ”

When this thought concluded, it felt as if a grey cloud had cleared from my mind and I had found the answer to my dilemma.

Though 15 years have passed but I still count each year as if it was yesterday and probably I would never stop. But at least, I am at peace since I now know that you are just around.

Stay blessed dada!! You are always on my mind! May you rest in peace…

Tera Noor...

After a long time, comes yet another song that accelerates my heart beats with each verse, leaves me with goose bumps, hauntingly calls out to my inner strength - the mountain goat that keeps treading upwards no matter how difficult be the trail.

“Tera Noor” is about the true power of a woman. It calls out the super heroes or actually the sheroes lying dormant amongst us. As each beat picks up momentum, it evokes many emotions - wake up, pull up, stand tall, don’t back down, forge forward, persevere, don’t give up, put in better than your best and so many more that I might fall short of words.

Every word is inspirational and helps you brace yourself for any uncertainty that maybe coming your way. I have been listening to this song almost on a loop for last three days and with every loop the words are getting etched in my heart. I can sense that my soul is simmering and I already feel like a better/ braver version of myself.

Some of you may read the above lines and think that the girl has gone wonky but that’s not the case. I’m feeling so inspired and oh what a time to experience this emotion. A year is coming to an end and a new dawn is just awaiting to break. 

This will be my anthem for the year to come. I know it for a fact that this song is powerful enough to keep me going when the times are tough, when I may have to run beyond the last mile or when I may be the chosen one to bring about difference. 

“ Zinda jazbat nahi...

Haq mein halaat nahi...

Maanungi naa haar mujhe hai fateh ka fitoor...

Kyun door...tera noor...”

The Case Of The Missing Comment...

He: Busy?

She: Naah! Just catching up over emails. I was out the whole day. How was your day?

He: it was ok.

She: Hmmmmm

He: How is your trip going on?

She: It’s been great so far. Still assimilating the hotel room size.So used to the spacious rooms in Delhi hotels that this one in Mumbai is surprising.

He: Yeah that’s there.

She: It’s alright. I won’t be spending most days inside the room anyways.

He: Oh by the way I read your last post and I commented on it.

She:  (long pause) What? You? Commented on my post?

He: (smiling) Yes I did. Didn’t you read it?

She: (shocked) Nooooooooooooo! I did not get it. I have activated comment moderation so I would have definitely gotten an alert if you would have written a comment.

He: But I did. It was anonymous though. I didn’t want you to know that I had read it but if you would have read the comment then you would have known that who wrote it.

She: No way! Hang on! Let me check the blog dashboard. (scrolling through) Nooooo! It’s not there. I don’t see any anonymous comment. Are you pulling my leg?

He: No!

She: this is not possible. Ok let’s not worry about the comment. Tell me what did you write?

He: Naah! I won’t tell it like this. That’s the reason I had written the comment.

She: Hey but that’s not fair. I want to know what you wrote. You have to tell me.

He: No ways!

She: Please…please….please. You have to tell me. I want to know.

He: I can only tell you that when I read the post I thought, she is thinking haywire and it’s time I write a comment to lay all self-created doubts to rest.

She – Is it? If that’s the case then you must tell me what the comment stated.

He: No dear. I will not tell. I will write another comment on another post in the times to come and this time I will ensure that you receive it.

She: Hey but that won’t be the same comment. I want to know what you wrote this time.

He: Nice try but not happening…

She: Oh….oh…..ohhhooooooo!!

And so went on the conversation for two hours. This happened,in the wee hours of one night this month, between two souls who are crazy in their own right. Maybe they did find the missing comment… eh?