And I Said Goodbye...

Beginnings and culminations are an intrinsic feature of our lives. While beginnings excite us, a lot of us don't know how to manage when something culminates or is on the verge.

I am one such person....ouch!! The feeling of letting go has this weird effect on me. I suck at goodbyes. When I'm past a point, I don't think back or look back but reaching that point is the journey that I cringe about. 

Well it was time to set upon one such journey and trust me it's not all cake walk. Each day I question the need to say goodbye, each day I look in the mirror and ask "how do I move past this point", each day I wonder what's in store next.

And I don't know the answer to any of the zillion questions popping all around me. I wish it was as easy as for a leaf when if breaks away and just flies with the gush of wind. I wish, I could just fly past like that.

In all these past years, one thing that I have learned is that goodbyes take their own time. All that you can do is to wave back and wait for the wind to blow all over you and take you to a new direction....a new beginning...

Till then...goodbye... 

As You Turn One...

This one too is delayed by many days but better late than never...

You my dear....are the shining light in all our lives. Our day starts with you and it also ends by being around you. Everyday, their is something new about you. Be it a new garbled word that you utter or a new cherubic expression that you floor us with....

Every minute that I am away from you, I sense that I'm missing so much of you. It's you, who makes me drive back quickly from work so that I can catch a quick glimpse of you before you go off to your daily date with the angels... I fail miserably on most days though...

Every afternoon, I wait to hear your steps, coming towards me to wake me from my slumber. Nobody can think of waking me the way you do. Every time you flash that dimpled smile of yours, I part of me just lights up.

Every time you hold up your hands, looking at me with those puppy eyes and you're my only saviour expression, I can't hold myself back from melting and showering you with kisses.

I hope you know how precious you are to me, to all of us. You have changed our lives in a way that only you can manage and even a day without you being around is a day gone unfulfilled. 

So as you turn one...my dear...here's wishing for all the world's happiness to come and tickle your lovely curls, shower their lucky charm over you, may all the angels above keep a loving watch over you; may each day turn out to be happier than the day gone by; may you always be surrounded with people who love you & care for you; may you revel in the feeling that you are dearly loved.

Happy one... my honey bun, sugar plum....

The Days Of Wanderlust...

Sometime 2 months back, I wrote about slipping away and fleetingly mentioned about the days of wanderlust. Though delayed, here it comes. 

November of 2014 saw me craving for a time out from the daily chaos and the thought of a second solo trip firmed up. Where did I want to go? To the hills for sure. Being the earthy sea goat, there is something about the mountains that calms me down.

Then came an extended weekend that saw me rushing to Dharamsala & McLeodganj. Many asked, why a solo trip and I questioned back - Why not? 

Resort...checked, train tickets... checked, list of places to visit...checked. Thus began the journey. A train till Pathankot and then a 2 hour early morning drive was all I needed to get all charged up for the trip. Everything just fell into place with the ideal resort, the helpful cabbie and loads of time at hand.

Three uninterrupted days of travel saw me quench my visual thirst for the unseen & gorge on some local cuisine. I must have clocked hundreds of kilometres scouting through Kangra Valley, Dharamsala & McLeodganj.

What took my breath away? Probably everything I saw. Be it the tea garden or the monastaries or the mighty Dauladhar range or the Bhagsunag falls or the streets full of people running away to their destinations or 

Something that will always stay etched in my heart - the beautiful cricket ground surrounded by the snow peaked mountains. Every time I feel rushed, I close my eyes and go back to that moment when I was there surrounded by the mountains.

There is so much to write about those 3 days but then it would become too long a post and thus am trying to limit my thoughts to a few words only. 

All good things come to an end and so did these lovely 3 days. Did I find what I was looking for? Maybe yes & maybe not. I found another place I fell in love with however, I didn't find the missing ingredient to calm my chaos.

Well until the next wanderlust bug gets to me....adios amigos...

The Golden Rays...

In all the crazy, testing times... it's these golden rays that help me sail through. This is the sight that soothes me down and helps me move forward.

So here I am, seeking all the strength I can, from the one above. Would you shower your golden rays on me...

Closure

As humans, it's our tendency to look for some closure wherever we could not understand the "The End". We keep pondering, keep searching, keep looking for "what ifs" and "whys". Well I also have chapter like that. It had been on the back of my mind somewhere, creeping up at times in the past year and half.

I could never make sense of why it happened since I never understood the end and kept thinking will it ever. While what I got to know out of a sudden, does not make it any clearer but it does break away the haze laden window that I had been looking out of.

Someone sauntered in like a breeze, turned everything topsy turvy and vanished with the same speed. I kept asking why and there was always a silence that I heard as a response.

Last week I came across a revealation that sort of shook me but helped wipe away the haze from the window. Whatever I could search about the revealation, made everything even more confusing but helped me ease out the storm that was held up for so long.

While I was looking out for closure for so long that I forgot a saying - "Don't look for closure every time. It might not be there".  While the farce came to fore, the "Why" still remains a question and I don't want to look for it. I will not look for yet another closure as there might be none...

Let the door stay locked and chained, coz I ain't opening it...

Slipping Away...

As the season change and the winds go stronger, I see the sand slipping away. The beach is vast and it's mine for as far as I can see. Yet, the winds of change have surprised me. They blow away the sand to a far distant land....a land beyond mine and it feels like there is nothing I can do to hold back the sand.

Everyday when I take a walk at the beach, I see some part of it fading away...far away from me. How am I dealing with it? Well I don't know.

I guess, with every walk, I add in a prayer that what's mine, stays mine. I also ponder, does it want to stay mine or has no qualms walking away to a distant, greener land. At times, I fight to withold what's slipping away but it does not seem to have an effect that I am hoping for.

I don't know how things would pan out finally, but for now I think I'm trying my best - to fight or to accept, maybe running away or let it run over me.

It seems it is just the right time to take a break away from the chaos...may be more of running away from it or assimiliating what's happening.

So very soon am embarking on this wanderlust. A sort of getaway from reality. And the days of wanderlust would also feature here. Hoping for all of this to settle down itself and in a way that I don't see my beach fading away...or the sand slipping away...

Amen....

Mesmerized...

With each breath, the chest rose and fell...

The hand splayed over it could feel the sway...

The silhouette of the pouty lips was too enticing to ignore...

With each touch of fingertips that massaged the brows...

A faint sigh echoed...

Could feel each stress knot detangle...

Could feel the caress that came back as the rejoinder...

With each strand of hair that I stroked...

Could sense the anxiety melt away...

As I sat aside & glanced back...

All I could feel was...mesmerized...